Day 15: #30DaysChivalry How To Be The Kind of Woman That A Gentleman Is Attracted To (An Interview with Relationship Coach Courtney Devon)
Thank you FACEBOOK! Because of you, I discovered that an acquaintance of mine, Courtney Devon, has started a business coaching young woman to make wise life choices. Her website, CourtneyDevon.com beautifully explains how she does this. I love that her approach is sound and full of wisdom. Many of her principles are similar to those I wrote about in Falling For Your Madness. I am convinced that Courtney and I share a similar passion for chivalry in the 21st century.
Courtney generously agreed to be interviewed about dating, her coaching and making wise choices. Please welcome Courtney Devon!
Your website says that you are helping women date “consciously and authentically”? What does that mean?
Dating consciously means dating with awareness of who you are, what you value, and what you truly desire and need from a partnership. Many women enter into relationships because of initial “attraction” between them and another person, while completely ignoring (or being unaware of) red flags and incompatibilities…eventually leading the relationship to sink. To date consciously requires two steps. First, you must know who YOU are—be aware of your values, key personality traits, and the vision you have for your life. Then you can figure out what you require and desire in another person in order to best compliment you and your life vision.
Dating authentically means courageously representing your true self on dates and ultimately, in relationships. The more common alternative is that women mold themselves into a person they think someone else wants them to be. I restore power to women to date confidently, be themselves and be “the chooser” while avoiding dating out of fear, loneliness, or desperation.
What do you think the biggest mistakes women make in their social lives?
I think the number one mistake women make is assuming that the feeling of being “in love” means you and another person are “meant to be together” and the relationship will “last forever.” The falling in love and attraction stages of a relationship are largely based on biochemical reactions occurring in the body that last anywhere from 18-24 months. The better alternative would be to use these feelings as valuable information, but balancing them with an awareness of self and honest assessment of compatibility between you and another person.
If I were in a position to need your advice, what would you do first?
The first step would be to bring any subconscious limiting beliefs into the consciousness so they can begin to be eliminated. Mostly everyone has limiting beliefs, which were often forged in childhood, and affect how we view ourselves and others. Common limiting beliefs in singles include “I don’t deserve to be loved for who I really am,” “I’m not attractive enough” and “My ideal partner doesn’t exist.” Most people are not even aware of their limiting beliefs, so shedding light and dismantling them (which is easier than you would think) is vital to be able to date with confidence and avoid settling in relationships.
Is it possible to be old enough, make enough money, be pretty enough, but STILL not be ready for a serious relationship? How?
Absolutely! Anyone who still has limiting beliefs lurking beneath the surface is likely to repeat the same patterns and mistakes in relationships over and over—it doesn’t matter how old you are.
And making enough money or being pretty enough doesn’t guarantee that you have developed the relationship skills necessary to creating a lasting partnership, such as communicating from the heart, assertiveness, ability to represent your needs, positive negotiation skills, and expressing and resolving conflict in a way that provides healing and growth (to name just a few).
In my book, Falling For Your Madness, I suggest that women have a great deal of power in their relationships. I also suggest that they either don’t realize they have it or don’t know how to use it. Do you agree? Why or why not?
Women have a huge amount of power that goes unrealized. As I’ve embarked on my own studies of men and masculinity, I’ve become aware of just how much power women have to positively influence and inspire the men in their lives to be the best version of themselves…and on the flip side, how many women unknowingly bring out the worst in men.
Additionally, because of messages from our culture and media, I see too many women mistakenly focus on only ONE aspect of attractiveness (their physical appearance) and then hope that this will inspire love, care and attention from men. They think they are increasing their power by doing this, but what women don’t realize is that there are far more powerful forms of igniting genuine attraction. Self-confidence, authenticity (being who you really are), living passionately, and being receptive are all qualities that have been shown to inspire men to joyfully provide the lasting love, care and attention that most women are truly seeking. This is why, instead of providing image makeovers likes some dating coaches, I teach women how to increase these other, far more powerful qualities in themselves.
You offer a free audio Conscious Dating: How to Prepare for Lasting Love. What advice does that entail?
In the audio, I go through the 10 Principles of Conscious Dating. It’s basically an overview of what it means to be a conscious dater. It includes an explanation of concepts such as “Be the Chooser,” “Use the Law of Attraction,” and “Balance your Heart with Your Head.” It provides useful advice to anyone looking to date more consciously, and provides a blueprint for the type of transformation clients go through when they work with me one-on-one.
You also have Six Steps to being his best first date ever! This totally intrigues me. Without telling me everything, because we want my readers to sign up, what does that mean?
This report is largely based on my own experience, having gone on hundreds of first dates, as well as concepts I’ve learned about masculinity. I’ve discovered that there are six KEY steps women can follow (none of them involving morphing yourself into someone you aren’t) to stand out on a first date and really intrigue a man. They’ll really make you unique in his mind because most women don’t know these steps or don’t put them to use. It is the polarity between feminine and masculine energy that creates attraction, but most women don’t know how to express their femininity in a powerful and meaningful way….actually most modern women don’t even know what femininity is (hint: it’s not about wearing heels and makeup)! Additionally, most women don’t truly understand masculine attributes and what makes a man “tick.” As women, we’re duped into believing that showing cleavage or looking pretty will make him want to go out with us again—this is SO false! The report details what it REALLY takes to make him dying to see you again. In reality, this report is about more than just the first date; it’s ultimately an overview of what it takes to be the type of woman a man wants to commit to (not just sleep with).
Recently, the New York Times did a story on the death of courtship. Besides being depressing, what did you think of it and how would you advise the young people they interviewed?
Being in my mid-20’s myself, I think it’s a partially accurate representation of what dating looks like for 20 something’s these days. Yes, there are more and more people forgoing traditional dating and resolving to the “hook-up culture.” However, I don’t think courtship is necessarily dead. And as for some of the young women they interview, the first piece of advice I would give would be to gain clarity of what it is you actually desire from your dating life. Are you looking to date casually? Are you looking to find a long-term partner? Are you looking to find a husband? The importance of being clear and decisive on this can’t be overstated. The idea of “let’s just see what happens” is the worst possible mindset you can have when dating. The FIRST principle of conscious dating is to “Know who you are and what you want and need.”
Too many women make the mistake of assuming that dating casually will turn into a long-term commitment. The problem with this is you have far less stringent criteria for someone you’re going to date casually than someone you want to eventually marry. This is exactly how two people get involved in relationships that last a few years and then dissolve, when they realize they’re not a good fit.
The second piece of advice I would give is that, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If going out for a drink with a guy and his friends is not your ideal first date…then don’t accept the invitation. Don’t allow the precedent to be set, just move on to someone who will take you out to dinner, or whatever it is you’re looking for. This requires courage and confidence, and getting out of the “scarcity” mindset that your romantic options are limited. They’re not. There are millions of people looking for love in this country alone. You don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t your ideal fit.
For last few weeks, I’ve been promoting chivalry. What is your definition of chivalry and how do you think these “old-fashioned” practices are good for us?
I believe chivalry is an understanding, on the part of men and women, of how to bring out the best in each other. In our modern society, I think chivalry is more about creating a partnership that uplifts, inspires, and nurtures both people. It’s not about being a “damsel in distress” or a “knight in shining armor.” It’s about being committed to a real partnership, one in which both partners are equal. Note —just because both partners are equal doesn’t mean they’re the same. Men and women aren’t the same—they don’t think the same way, act the same way, feel the same way, and are not wired the same. They can, and should, be equal in a partnership, but the commitment of both partners to learn about each other and their differences is my definition of chivalry.
Anything else you want to add? Your photo? Links? Facebook? Twitter? etc?
You can check out my website at CourtneyDeVon.com for free resources and a quiz to see if you’re ready for lasting love. On my site you can also sign up for a complimentary Conscious Dating Discovery Session—a free one-on-one ½ hour session I offer to anyone looking to gain clarity on their dating life and the confidence to know what they next step is for them.
Thank you Courtney! Readers, check out Courtney’s resources! And if if you have a question for her, leave it below!